The Rei Chronicles
by Shinagami
Summary: The end is near! At least for this fic. Watch and be amanze as the Eva guys take on the 18th Angel! Please take a moment or three of you time and review this bad boy. If you do I'll tell the snipers to withdraw
1. Wardrobe

Part one: Wardrobe  
  
Rei was walking down a hill, away from school. After the long day of Asuka bugging her and  
Shinji feeling uncomfortable around her she was ready for some well-deserved peace and   
quiet. That fatefull day as she decended the hill she never thought she'd be broad-sided   
by a run-away moose. Or, mouse...that is. Toji had been expiramenting with new hairstyles   
all that week, and his recent addiction to hair gel had caused a certain class rep. to   
become immensly jealus over his new found love. So Hikari had chucked the bottle of gooey  
hair-sticking goodness out the window.  
"Hey! I needed that!" Said Toji as he desperatly reached out the window after his   
lost green goop. The mouse hit a tree branch and ricocheted straight into Rei's head.   
The force of the impact cuased her to topple forward, right into a puddle of mud.  
"Good going Touji!" Yelled Kensuke as he laughed at the albino girl's misfortune.   
He was immediatly thwacked by Toji. Meanwhile Rei picked herself up from the mud, the   
suction making a shhhhluurp! sound. Shinj was by her side in seconds, if not less, to   
assist her.  
"I'm sorry, are you alright?" He asked, genually concered.  
"Why are you sorry Ikari? You did nothing." Rei asked, slightly confused.  
Shinji, at a loss for words decided it was best just to help Rei up and walk with   
her ,silently(since he was at a loss for words...), to Nerv headquarters. They had synch   
tests....again. Much to Shinji's surprise (and happeiness) Rei gave him a rare, extremely   
rare, smile after he'd helped her up. They swiped their access cards through the slot and   
entered. Well, Rei did. Shinji's card wouldn't be accepted.  
"What's wrong? Did Father remove me from Nerv?" He asked hopefully.  
"No, you idiot. That's not your Nerv access card." Asuka said snagging the small   
peice of laminated paper. "In fact..." She stared unbelieving at it. "This is your 'Adult Paradise Video and Manga Expo' club card." Shinji turned the color of ripe tomatoes and   
tried to get the card back, but Asuka pocketed it and swiped her card through. Shinji dug   
in his pockets until he found his peice of personal identifaction and slide it through   
the slot.  
"Damn you Asuka." Shinji cursed as he rushed to catch up with them.   
In the changing rooms Asuka spied Rei's filthy school uniform.   
"What happened to you, WonderGirl?" Rei didn't reply. Personaly she despised being   
called 'WonderGirl' Although at times she did in fact wonder,and she was a girl, she had   
a name.  
"Well, First Child." Asuka asked nonchalantly.  
"I was hit by a bottle of hair gel." Rei said simply and pulled on her plugsuit.   
Asuka cracked up laughing. The thought of WonderGirl being knocked into the mud by a   
flying bottle of mouse was the funniest thing she'd heard all day, besides the heintai   
card Shinji was carrying. She rushed after Rei, who was on her way to the Eva cages.  
"That'll be all for today guys." Misato said to the three pilots still dripping of   
LCL. "Go home and get some rest."  
And with that Shinji and asuka changed back into their school clothes and headed home.   
Rei, on the other hand simply sat and stared at her ruined school clothes. //Now what?//   
She thought. Shrugging she started home in her plugsuit. Home brought a new discovery for   
Rei. Her small apartment had been ransacked, not that she could tell right away. After   
she'd taken a shower she searched her dresser for some clothes, and found none, she began   
to worry. //That's not good.// Though Rei as she looked for some signs of clothing. None.   
//I knew I should have instlled a lock like Ikari-kun asked.// She glanced disdainfully at   
her sweaty plugsuit and sighed internally. //I cannot go to the school dance in this   
towel.// Shinji had asked Rei to go with him, attesting to his uncomfortableness earlier.   
She was about to debate whether or not she should think about considering just not going,   
but memories of him saving her several times and also his kind nature made her take more   
drastic measures....  
The doorbell rang at the Katsuragi/Langley/Ikari residence. Misato was currenlty   
occupied being drunk in her room, and Asuka was taking a bath. So that left the curagious   
Shinji to answer the door. He meakly opened it and looked at who it was. Then his eyes   
rolled out of his head, hit the floor and bunced down the hallway. After a moment he   
successfully recovered them he invited his scantaly clad guest in.  
"Thank you Ikari-kun. May I please speak to the Second Child?" The lady guest asked. Shinji nodded dumbly.  
"Yeah...in..bath...go...ahead...." Was all he could manage to get out, and he wasn't   
even sure he'd even said it out loud.   
The door slid open to the bath Asuka was currently using, making her scream and yell  
and gasp and hide all at the same time. More or less underwater she glared at the pervert   
who invaded her privacy.  
"Shinji, you'd better get out of her before I knock your face into next week!" She   
thought that was a good enough threat, butheard no sound of anyone leaving. She gasped,   
what if Shinji had grown a backbone suddenly and was going to do something awful? No,   
Shinji was too much of a wuss. I could be Kaji, mistaking her for Misato....she didn't   
mind that too much.  
Rei heard a scream and and then someone talking underwater. Some bubbles rose to the   
top of the water and a mix of garbled German and what some might call Wookie erupted from   
the bubbles.  
"Second. I am here to ask you a favor." Rei said blankly.  
Asuka sorta recognized the vioce of the pilot of Eva-00 and rose cautiously to the surface. "WonderGirl? What do you want?"  
Rei repeated herself. "I wish to ask a favor of you." Asuka noted the fact that Rei was   
dressed only in a towel, and a thought registered in the back of her mind. //What favor,   
exactly, does the Ice Queen want me to do? Ewwwwww//  
"Forget it! I'm straight and that's all there is to it!" Asuka yelled.  
From the living room Shinji thought he'd heard Asuka yelling something about being   
straight...but he must've imagined it.  
"I do not understand. I merely wanted to know if you would loan me some clothes for   
tonight's dance."  
Asuka let that sink in and smiled mischieviously. "Oh Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaah. Shinji asked you   
to go with him, didn't he?"  
"That is correct."  
Asuka rolled her eyes. Her teasing was shot down by Rei's obvious lack of a personality.   
//Oh, well. It'll be like playing dress up with a doll. Ewwwww//  
Rei handed Asuka a towel as she climbed out of the bath. Together they walked into   
Asuka's room. Shinji nearly fainted at the sight of the two beautiful girls walking past   
him, barely clothed.  
"Okay, first thing first. You need some underwear, right?" Rei nodded at Asuka's   
question. "Too bad. You can't have any of mine." Rei looked perplexed by Asuka's question,  
then refusal, but nodded anyway.  
"Now....your eyes are red, so I think a red shirt would go good..."Asuka began   
digging through her closet, searching for garments. "Here, try this on." She handed Rei   
several articles of clothing. It was a good thing Rei and Asuka had the same build.  
After putting on an outfit Rei looked at herself in the mirror "This fits fine. Thank   
you." Rei stood up to leave, but was caught by Asuka.   
"Yes, Second? I have the needed clothes." Rei turned to leave again, but was stopped.  
Asuka snorted. "You can't be serious, this was the trial run, we still have to apply   
eye-liner, and do something about your nails..." Asuka continued prettying Rei up for the   
next several hours.  
"I wonder why Rie's here." Shinji wondered for the eleven billionth time in the past   
five minutes. "Maybe she wants to challenge Asuka to a death match!" Shinji smiled as he   
imagined the two girls in spandex fighting with swords...." Or maybe Rei's playing nice so   
she can closer to me?" Shinji smiled at the thought of that one too. "Aww, what am I   
thinking? Asuka's right, I am a pervert. Rei is probably here to borrow some clothes for   
the dance tonight." He frowned, that wasn't any fun. Best to go back to fighting chicks.   
"I bet she's going to murder Asuka with a butter knife!"  
Misato eventually woke up to find Shinji blubbering on about Asuka and Rei fighting   
to the death in armored cars.  
"Uh.....Shinji-kun? Is you oaky?" Shinji turned red when he heard Misato's voice   
beind him. He slowly turned around, confirming it was the Nerv Major. //Damn...think of   
an excuse....come on...//  
"Uh...I, um.....I'm drunk!!!" Shinji and Misato both looked surprised. A tiny   
chibi-Shinji apperared on his shoulder.  
"What the hell was that?" It asked in a squeaky voice. Shinji almost chuckled at   
the tiny thing, but thought better of it.  
Misato eyed him curiously, and when Misato gets curious bad things happened. //Is he   
really drunk? He might be, although I myself is drunk too.// Misato smiled after thinking   
about all the beer she guzzled. //Note to self, get more Yebisu....//  
"Note to self. MAKE UP A FRIGGIN EXCUSE!!!!" Chibi-Shinji yelled into the more   
realistically proportioned Ikari's ear.  
"Um....heh, heh, heh. I'm not drunk, I'm just playing..I was um...." A fly with Gendo's   
head landed on Shinji's other shoulder. " You were writing a novel about the First and   
Second Children." It said smoothly. Shinji nodded, that was a good idea. "About them   
obeying your every wish." Shinji quickly flicked the small Gendo-like insect away.  
"Thas gut Shinja. I'm goin to get more Yubisa-yibusi-yesubi-buyesi....the crup thet   
I drank." Misato stumbled out of the room, leaving a very confused Shinji to talk to the   
chibiness occupying his shoulder.  
"What now?" Shinji asked. The chibi-Shinji shrugged any guess was as good as his.   
"Oh, I know." It said suddenly, startling the full sized and troubled Shinji. "What?"  
"Go to Kaji-san and get him to give you some tips for your date." The Chibi-Shinji   
said proudly as he drew himself up to his full three inch hieght.  
Kaji was watering his melons when Shinji arrived. Kaji quickly put his shirt back on and greeted the now scared and panicked   
boy.   
"Ah, Shinji-kun! What can I do for you?" Kaji asked, smiling. He knew exactly why   
the young man was there. Shinji muttered something inaudible before his Chibi likeness   
apeared before Kaji.  
"Look!" It demanded in a whiny voice. "My man Shinji here has a big date, and he   
doesn't want to ruin it by being himself, so here, pal, is where you come in."  
"Uh.......Yeah?" Kaji studdered at the small chubby Shinji with wings and a halo   
fluttering around like a small insect. Shinji smiled weakly and waved. The chibi-Shinji   
was about to say something perogative about Kaji when a small boy ran by with a butter fly   
net and captuered the little helper.  
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" It screamed as it was carried off toward it's doom.  
Kaji and Shinji stared at each other. Then at the receeding form of the chibi-Shinji.  
"So, you need chick tips, eh?"  
Shinji gulped an nodded. Kaji drew Shinji into a huddle and began whispering in to his   
ear.  
"Whisper whisper whisper whisper" Kaji said. Shinji pulled back and looked at the   
deranged spy.  
"What are you talking about?" Shinji tried to make sense of the rubbish that was   
just transplated into his ear when Kaji smiled the 'Kaji' smile. "I was just kidding.   
Here's what you do. Chicks like a witty guy, so don't go 'uh...' or 'duh....' or hyuck!"  
Shinji nodded and continued litsening as the ladies man shared a few tricks of the trade.......  
Contunued...........  
  
*Authors note. You like? No like? If you have anything you think is funny and wat it to happen then let me know, I'm no mind reader for crying  
out loud!!! (You can bet if I was the world would be in some srious trouble. Heh, heh, heh.....)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Dance

Dance  
  
"The first thing you gotta know is that girls like a guy who can dance." Shinji   
stared at Kaji, who began scooting around the room and raising his hands into the air in   
one of those post-impact dances.  
"Uh....maybe this isn't the right time to tell you.....um....no one dances like that  
anymore?" Shinji backed slowly away, but Kaji discoed his way in front of his escape route.  
"Hey kid, don't worry, once you're our there on the floor ain't no one going to care   
what era your jives are from." Kaji crossed his arms and looked down at the boy   
expectantly. "Well, give it a try." Shinji shook his head, but with a quick snatch Kaji   
had caught the boys wrist and twirled him around.  
"K-Ka......Kaj.....HEY! CUT THAT OUT!!!" Shinji managed to yell as he was released   
and spun into a wall. Kaji just laughed and led the pilot out of the room and outside.   
Shinji started home.  
"Just relax and be yourself, I'm sure Ayanami doesn't care how well you dance." Kaji  
yelld after him.  
Rei sighed and looked at the girl in the mirror. She had short blue hair, and about a   
metric ton of make-up on. And Asuka was still busy apply some more.  
"Hold still!" Asuka yelled as Rei flinched. "This is going to end up in your eye if   
you don't stop!!" She angled the eyeliner closer to Rei's face, but the Eva pilot moved   
her head away.  
"This is enough make-up for the dance, Second." Rei said, nervously eyeing the long   
fuzzy bristles of the make-up applicator. Asuka growled and advanced toward Rei.   
"Look here, WonderGirl, you have to look pretty for you man, riiiiiiight?"  
Rei simply stared like.....um, well....like she always does. "Ikari-kun thinks I am   
pretty like I am."  
Asuka raises her vioce several octaves. "Ikari-kun thinks I am pretty as I am....Blech!"   
Don't make me laugh!! Everyone knows he likes me more." //Crap! I just said that out loud,   
didn't I?//  
"I will be going then." Asuka caught Rei's arm again and pulled her to the floor.   
"NO! YOU! DON'T!" with every bit of her strength Asuka held the pilot of Eva-00 down and   
applied the finishing touches to her face. An hour later she was done.  
"May I leave now?" The look that Asuka gave her was answer enough. Not a chance  
"Just what are you and the idiot going to do tonight?"  
Rei thought that one over. "Dance, I suppose."  
"And do you know how to dance?" Asuka was smiling evily.  
"I know the waltz and the-"   
"I mean teenage dances!"  
After a moment of hesistation Rei answered. "No." Asuka's smile widend and she flipped on   
a TV that was convieniently there. On the tube was some young adults dancing.  
"That, my little Rei, is how it's done." Asuka said, knowing full well that Rei was   
going to look ridiculous dancing like this.  
Rei concentrated on the television. The female dancer seemed to be shaking her rear-end   
very close to the male dancer's frontal areas. To Rei it made no sense, but Asuka was more   
enept at social matters than she was. "I see." She said.  
"Try it, so you don't look stupid once you get there." //heh, you'll look stupid   
anyway....//  
Rei shrugged and began shuffling around like the dancers were doing. Asuka tried not to   
laugh, she really did...but with Wondergirl moving like a sick whale....."HAHAHA!!!   
Heeheee hahahah!!" Rei stopped danceing at the horrendous sound the Second Child was   
making.  
"What?"  
"Heh, you....can't....too funny...." Was all Asuka could get out. She felt sorry for   
the First, she'd make a fool out of herself in front of the whole school. "Here, I'll show   
you. You be the guy and I'll be the girl."  
"Why must I play the male?" Rei asked.  
"Cause I said!" That was good enough a reason.  
So Asuka and Rei began their dance. And stopped mid-shake when the door opened.  
"Hi guys, I hooooooolly shit! Shinji's eyes moved from Asuka, who was leaned over in  
front of Rei, who was standing closely behind her. (and very close to her hieny too) Then   
his eyes moved to the TV, then back to Asuka and Rei(still frozen in their booty dance)and   
finally to the back of his head as he fainted.  
"Well that was rude, barging in here like that." Asuka said to the comatose Shinji.  
"I'll leave now." Rei said and left before Asuka could make her do something else   
degrading.   
"Hey! Shinji-kun!" Shinji opened his eyes to find Misato stareing at him. Shinji   
turned his head to the side to find a warm water penguin looking intently into his eyes.  
"AAAAAA!!!" Shinji recoiled from the bird and slumped against the wall. Misato   
laughed, then sat down next to him.  
"Geeze, you're too uptight. Maybe this dance'll do you good." She took a chug of   
Yebisu and walked over to her room. "Hey, did you see where Asuka went?"  
"No...last time I saw her she and Rei where....um. Nevermind."  
Shinji thought back to the two girls getting jiggy with it and shuddered. //If they're   
like that then who will I date?// Just then the chibi-Shinji flew in through the window.   
He was charred and his halo was missing.  
"There you are! Dammit, I looked all over for you!"  
Shoji took the beat-up him into his hand. "You okay?"  
"Do I look okay? Three fly swatters and a bug zapper isn't what I call fun!"  
"Sorry...." Shinji set the chibiness down and began to ponder what the night would   
bring. The chibi-Shinji paced back and forth trying to think of something to do.  
"Hmmmm The dance is in three hours, so that means we can get you all perddyed up."   
The chibi-Shinji pulled out a huge comb from his back pocket and began running it through   
the real Shinji's hair, pulling a lot of it out.  
"OWW!! That hurts! Quit it!" He took the tiny thing and threw it up against the wall.  
It hit with a smack and slid down to the floor, leaving a trail of blood.  
"Oh, no! Chibi-Me! I'm sorry! Please forgive me!!" He began weeping.  
Asuka walked into the apartment and saw Shinji crying over a dead fly. //I see why   
WonderGirl agreed to go out with him, they're both so wierd..// And with that the great   
Asuka Langley Soryou went into her room and put on her yodeling outfit.  
"Ahem, Yodelaihoo! Yodileihoo Yodalaihooooooooo yodel yodel yodel yodel!"  
Sinji stopped weepinng about his dead chibiness and went to go get ready for the   
dance. He entered cautiously, who knew what horrors of female beautifacation might be in   
there. Shinji creaked open the medicine cabinet and pulled out some moose. After he flew  
up to Canada and set it free, Shinji put on his deoderant and combed his hair. Then he was   
off to the dance.  
Shinji met Rei outside the schools gymnasium, where the dance was being held.  
"Hello, Ikari-kun." She said, and smiled sweetly. (at least she hoped it came off as   
sweet and not emotionaless.)Shinji stared good and hard at the girl who'd just greeted him.  
She was pretty, but would look a lot better without that foot or three thick make-up.  
"Uh...hello."  
Rei took his hand. "You look nice."   
Shinji gulped. "Uh.thanks, but I'm meeting someone here.Her name's Rei Ayanami."  
Rei facefaulted. "I am Rei." She said, cheek twitching. Shinji smiled weakly and nodded.   
Once they where on the dance floor, and after everyone overcame the shock of seeing Rei,   
the Ice Queen, at an optional dance, Rei started danceing...at least she tried, but   
Shinji's multible faintings where making it a little hard.  
"REI!!!! FIRST CHILD!! HEY! WONDERGIRL!!" Asuka yelled into the albino girls   
apartment. When there was no answer Asuka took it upon herself to take initiative. She   
kicked the door down. Then she searched the place for Rei.  
"Dammit! Where is she? I forgot to tell her not to go too fast, or the wimp will   
faint." She looked at her bed, all messed up and ewey looking. " How can anyone live here?   
And how does she expect to get Shinji in here? He'd probably clean it up himself. Huh?   
What's this?" Asuka picked up a bottle of pills. "These look like anxiety pills...I wonder  
how they'll affect Rei. Heh, heh, heh..."  
Rei started break danceing. The crowd cheered and encouraged her on. She grabbed   
Shinji's near unconcience form and then held him right up to her chest. That took care of   
his near unconciensness. Now he was completely out. Rei looked disdanfully at her passed   
out partner and took a look around the room. //Who would be a suitible replacment?//  
Continued......  
  
*Author's note. Okay, I went a little crazy on this one, but hey...I'm suffereing from   
extrem writers block. *Holds head in hands and cries out in agony* So if you'll reveiw   
then it be much appreitated. If you insist of crucifying my hard work, them go right ahead.  
I can take your flames!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, not really......  



	3. Tune up

Tune up  
  
To Rei, the dance had been fun, and full of drunken happieness. To everyone else the dance was a disaster. Especially when   
Rei found the school's supply of ketchup packets and merclesly thrashed the whole gym. Shinji was barely conscience for the   
display of carnage, but even so, he will remeber that day for as long as he lived..which was going to be cut short a few   
decades.  
"Shinji!!!! How dare you come in my room?!!"  
"I...uh.....um....I just wanted to give you your laundry!" Shinji waved the pile of unmentianables in his arms at   
Asuka. That didn't have the desired affect. In fact,all it did was piss the German off more. " SO! You not only invade my   
privacy, but you fondle my underwear??!!"  
"F..fondle???" Was all Shinji could squek out as Asuka closed in for the kill. The butter knife she was weilding   
actually severed the flesh of Shinji's neck before Misato snagged the tool of evil.  
"Hey! I need that." She spread some butter on her morning toast and chased it down with some Yebisu. "Now, onto the   
bussiness of Ayanami. She's incampasitated."  
"What??!!" Shinji yelled. Asuka crossed her arms in victory, although she didn't do anything to achieve this   
falseified triumph. Misato smirked. "Well, maybe indisposed is a better term. Seems those anxiety pills she overdosed on   
screwed up her mind."  
"What mind?" Asuka snorted. Shinji glared at her.  
Misato pulled some official looking reports from her ridiculously small shorts pocket and waved them in front of Shinji.  
"These here reports say that Rei's..uh..clonability...doesn't respond well to medication."   
Shinji took a second to let this sink in. "Clonability?"  
"I'll get to that later." Misato smiled and produced a large sweatdrop. "The medication is causing her brain to act   
like whom ever she's around."  
Asuka's brow wrinkled, which ment she was either A) Thinking or B) Getting old. "What!!!??? I AM NOT GETTING OLD!!" Asuka   
snapped, but at who, she did not know.... "How come she didn't act like Shinji? She was around him at the dance."  
"Cause he was passed out most of the time. You were the last person Rei came in contact with before taking the   
medication. So until she get's around someone else, she'll act like Asuka."  
Shinji felt something at the back of his mind tell him to faint. //It'll save you from this insanity. And you can go to   
your happy place.// It said. //Uh...but won't I miss out on what Misato has to say?// He questioned. //Oh, like you need   
to kow that. Just do it, pass out already.// Shinji briefly wondered why he had so many little voices inside him, but the   
blackness that overcame him as he fainted flung those thoughts far away.  
"What a jerk! Fainting when I'm asking a question." Asuka kicked the prone Shinji. Then she went out the door.  
"And where are you going?" Misato asked.  
"To Dogma, I can get some hours in my unit-02 instead of wasting time here." Misato was shocked, Asuka was doing   
something mature and not self-centered. It was enough to make a woman need a beer, or eight....   
"Okay Asuka, begin field testing." Dr. Akagi said. The red mecha picked up a sonic glaive and sliced through several   
targets, none of which where the assigned ones.  
"Uh..Asuka? The targets are that way...." Ritsuko cringed as Asuka sliced open three billboards, all with Shinji's   
face saying, 'Got Eva?'. That's when she steped on a tree. A pine tree, from the pointyness of it. The tree successfully   
stuck into unit-02's foot, causing it to fall over.  
Later in the Eva cages...........  
"What do you mean, you don't have the parts to fix it!"  
Ristuko shrugged. "Eva 02 is an import. We only carry Japanese parts. You'll have to cal up Mercedes'-Benz" Asuka stomped   
around while swearing in German. Then she looked sympathetically at 02.  
"Oh...you poor thing. Does the splinter hurt?"  
"Hey! Asuka! Why don't you kiss it and make it feel better?" Asuka whipped around and flung the closest thing she   
could find at Toji. It happened to be a ketchup packet. It hit him square in the face, exploding on impact. Toji screamed   
and fell to the floor.  
"Wait a second...where did that ketchup package come from?" Asuka wondered aloud.  
From high in one of the air ducts came a 'hehehehehehehe'  
"Rei!" Toji, Ritsuko, and Asuka said at once.  
Asuka picked up a wrench and lugged it at the vent. The screws holding it up broke off and the duct fell onto the floor   
in a heap of metal. Two figures emerged from the dust, coughing and sputtering.  
"Rei, just what the hell are you doing......" Asuka looked closer at the first figure's decidedly masculine form, and   
found it was _not_ Rei. Neither was the rather shapley second form.  
"Ahem. Sorry for the interuption. We were...er....checking for rats?" Kaji lied. Misato nodded her head in agreement.  
Asuka slapped her forhead. "So what was so funny?" Kaji looked genuenlly confused. "I wasn't laughing." they both said.  
That's when the lights filckered out.  
"Hehehehehehehe" There it was again, that laughing. Well, it was more like a girlish giggle.  
Asuka didn't care either way, this Rei chick was getting annoying.  
"Come out of there WonderGirl!" She yelled at the ceiling.  
No one expected Asuka's drunken yells were going to caox the lunatic Rei down, so everyone was shocked when she nimbly   
dropped to the floor.  
"Someone call me?" She asked. She went over and gave Toji a hug. Toji just 'acked' and recoiled.  
Asuka was nearly delirious with anger. "Hey! Just what do you think you're doing??" Rei stopped hugging Toji, who was   
attmpting to flee and looked at Asuka. "Isn't it obvious?"  
That's when an incredibly pissed off Asuka advanced on Rei.  
On the bridge Makoto stared intently at the screen. Nothing. And for the past two hours there had been absolutly   
nothing going on.   
"Sigh...Life is so dull." An alarm sounded to his right. He looked at it and nearly fainted. "Uh..Commander Ikari!  
Blue Pattern detected in the Eva cages!! An A.T. Field is present!"   
Asuka was thrown against the far wall of the cage. The far, far wall. Rei looked innocently at Ristuko and Toji.  
Her A.T. Field was up, giving her a rather creepy shade of violet.  
"Uh.....What do we do, uh...Doctor?" Toji asked, backing away.  
Ristuko was half scared half angry. That little doll must've spent some time with Lillith. "Crap...." That summed it up   
nicely.  
To say the least, Gendo Ikaru was not a happy camper. His field stove and lantern had quit on him and his tent did a   
sorry job of keeping the misquitos out. the door opened to Ikari's office and the sub-commander entered.  
"Ikari, I have word that.....uh...Commander?"  
Gendo hurried up from his tent on the office floor and sat at his desk, Gendo stlye. "What is it Fuysuki?"  
"There is an Angel in the Eva cages."  
"Oh really? Which one?"  
"Oh....This one looks a lot like Rei..."  
Gendo spit out the soup in his mouth back into the thermos he was drinking it from. "What? Rei?"  
"Yes...she over-dosed on some medication and whenever she spends a certain amount of time with someone she developes  
their personalities." The sub-commander said.  
"I see. Looks like I'll be taking a visit to Central Dogma." Gendo started packing his camping goods.  
Fuysuki stared, this had to be some kind of joke...  
Shinji entered the Eva cage, he was looking forward to a day of synch tests and listening to Asuka nagging him.  
As he walked onto the platform he was expecting to see Asuka standing there asking why he was late, but instead he found  
Rei holding up and A.T. field and Ristuko firing a hand gun at her repeatedly. Shinji thought this was a great time to   
run. And run he did, right over the side of the railing. Seeing her child in danger, Eva-01 reached out a hand and   
caught the young boy. Shinji opened his eyes to find a giant purple demon stareing at him affectionatly. Shinji's brain   
told him to faint, but seeing Asuka, Toji and Ritsuko in trouble ,made him grow a pathetic temporary backbone.  
"Hey! Shinji-kun!" Rei yelled and floated towards him. Shinji jumped into the entry plug and started up 01.  
Rei stopped, why was Shinji running from him? She only wanted to hug him, and the join with Adam so they could start the   
third impact.....  
Shinji manuvered 01 to stand in front of Rei. 01 begged him to let it go berserk, but Shinji had a feeling he would  
need his sanity.  
"Rei...what are you doing?"  
"I'm trying to be nice to you." She put her hands on her hips. "And merge with Adam...."  
"You can't do that?"  
"Why not!" Rei started to pout.  
"Because! You'd kill everyone!"  
Rei wasn't convinced. "So?"  
Shinji thought for a second. Then another second, then a third second. Then he came up with what some would call sheer   
stupidity, others would call half-baked, and what Shinji called a plan.  
"If you start the third impact, then I'll die too."  
Rei stopped and thunk a bit. "Hmmmm...fulfill my entire reason for existance, or save you....hmmmmm."   
Down in the depths of Dogma, Gendo was comming upon the the massive tanks that held thousands of Reis.  
"Mwhahahahah. Now to get the spare." Gendo got out a big net and stuck it into the tank. A second later he pulled out  
a Rei. "There you are. I'll need you for a while." Gendo carried the body up to the Eva cages. He hoped this would work,  
unit-01 was in danger.  
Meanwhile at a Mercades'-Benz Dealership/repair place.  
"Boss, you got a call from Nerv." said the greasy...uh..gease monkey.  
The boss, some old fat guy picked up the phone. "Hello? Oh? Hmmmm, I have the part, but it'll cost you." The boss held the  
phone away from his ear as a string of impolite German followed. to the grease monkey he said, "They need and Eva part."  
"Duh...what's an Eva?"  
The boss snuckled. "I have no clue, but I'm sure they'll pay big for a part that looks like it's important. Bwhahahahahaha  
hahahaahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahha-hyuck! Ohh, coughed somthing up."  
"It looks like George Washington!"  
Continued........  
  
*Authors Note. There, I made Shinji faint less. Happy???!! Feh. In other world news, yes, I know...some of the chars are  
a bit OCC, but I could imagine the _real_ Rei wanting to initiate the third impact...dun worry, it'll get better.  



	4. Picnic

Picnic

Rei thought about what would happen to her poor Shinji-kun if she started the third impact. Then she thought of why she was created. Decisions, decisions. 

"Uh...If you don't initiate the third impact...um...I'll....I'll go on a date with you." Shinji's sudden collateral stopped Rei right before she reached Adam.

"A date, huh? Well..." She rolled her eyes to Asuka as she thought _this_ over. "Okay." She dropped her A.T. field and settled down into 01's palm.

"Hurry, Shinji! Kill her!" Yelled an enraged Asuka from the cage floor. She ran up to 01's foot and started punching it. "Hurry....up....and....kill...HER!" She let out a flurry of punches with each word. Shinji made 01 bend down and flick her away.

"How about tomorrow?" He asked nervously. Even submerged in LCL he was sweating profusely.

Rei nodded. "Pick me up at eight." And with that she disappeared into the depths of Dogma. Then Gendo ran in, holding the spare Rei over his back. "Don't worry I'm here!" He looked around. No one but a confused Ritsuko, an angry Second Child and unit-01. "Damn, I'm late again." he walked off to his office to sulk.

"What have I got myself into?" Shinji asked, remembering the 'dance'. then he felt along his back. "What's this? I have...some sort of...GROWTH!!!" Shinji leapt from the entry plug and ran over to Dr. Akagi. "Doctor! You have to help me! I think I overdid it with the LCL! I have a nasty little rash, or something."

Ritsuko looked along the teenager's back, then ran her hand up and down it. "Uh...Shinji? That's you're spine." Shinji looked as puzzled as could be. //When did I grow one of those? People will actually _depend_ on me now.//

The mechanics came to look at unit-02. Asuka was right there, wrench handy in case they tried to scam her....or if that freaky little WonderGirl came back. Mostly the latter reason, but....

"Uh, here's your problem. Your alternate G-force deliberator is co-functioning with the I-beam suspension and it's off-balancing your rack and pinion steering." The boss said, wiping his hands on a rag and looking quite satisfied after emerging from the workings of 02. The satisfaction came from the jelly doughnut he had before arriving. //Hmmmm doughnuts....//

"What? For one thing Evas don't have suspension, and it doesn't use 'rack and pinion steering', secondly, there's a friggin' SPLINTER!!!! in it's foot!!!" Asuka said, cocking the wrench high above her head.

"Um....I'll go get the tweezers...." the grease monkey said as he backed off. he bent over to look in his tool box, and heard a 'DOONK!! OWWWW!!' come from his boss.

The door opened to Gendo's office. The commander didn't even look up or acknowledge his guest.

"What is it, Fuyuski? If it's the report from the GeoFront, then don't bother. I've already dealt with them." he said, irritated that his camping/Rei rescue operation had failed.

Shinji looked down and began to leave, when that annoying backbone of his piped up.

"Hey, you!" It said in a squeaky voice. Gendo looked up. He saw Shinji.

"I should have known. The unannounced visit, the whiny voice...."

The backbone wasn't having this. "Look, you old widower! I need a talk with you!" Gendo leaned back. That voice had sounded just like Gary Coleman.....

"I am not old. And I do not need to take this from you, Third."

Shinji raised his hand. "What you talkin' bout?" Shinji smiled weakly.

Gendo was a bit perturbed, but at the same time intrigued, why was his son acting so bold? "Do not make me call security."

"Ha! Like your lapdogs could take me." This made Gendo raise an eyebrow. Shinji couldn't take a drunken fly.

"Oh? How about if I call Misato and order her to 'remove' you ?" Gendo's voice took on a tone of challenge.

"Hey! Leave my lady friend out of this! This is between you and me, pops." Shinji looked around nervously, trying to avoid Gendo's glare.

"Then I will dispose of you myself." Gendo rose from his desk, casting a shadow over Shinji.

"Ooh, big bad Dad, gonna spank me?" The spine taunted.

Shinji could only shake his head and sweat. "N-no....It's not....." the spine cut in. "It's not your business to 'remove' me."

Gendo, tired of arguing with the little twerp sat back down and decided to listen. "Go on, pilot."

Shinji smiled meekly and stepped up to Gendo's huge desk. "Um...I was wondering...if you'd....If you would like.....to...go....uh....*gulp* If you would come with...me....to the...p-park....for a p-...pic...picnic?" A puddle began forming under Shinji.

Gendo frowned. Then he frowned some more. Then he frowned till his face couldn't frown anymore. After that he frowned a little bit more. Finally he said, "Are you asking me out on a date?"

"NO!!, I mean...Uh....Rei wants to go on a date with me to the park....but...I feel....strange around her....so I thought.." 

"Thought that I'd waste me valuable time with you and the First on a silly date? No." Gendo shuffled some papers and awaited Shinji's departure.

Shinji felt a tingle in his back.... " This 'date', Sir, saved the world from the third impact. If you want to live to see tomorrow, you'd better make sure this date goes well!" Shinji gasped. Did he just say that? 

//Did I just say that? // 

"Did you just say that?" Gendo needed to be sure. He checked the security tape. Yep. He said it, it was right there. "This 'date', Sir, saved the world from the third impact. If you want to live to see tomorrow, you'd better make sure this date goes well!"

"Did I just say that?" Shinji asked the Gary Spine.

"Sure as hell did." It squeaked.

Gendo thought a second. His son was finally learning to be a man. Maybe this date was just what he needed. And it would prove to be seriously funny. As an added bonus he would get to be with Rei, even if she was psycho and demented. Plus he liked how the little Gary Spine operated.

"Come back when I call you. I will-"

"Come back when you call me?! What am I? A dog? I'll come when I good and damn well feel like it." That damn spine again.....Shinji shrunk under the rising form of Gendo.

"You'll come when I _tell_ you to." Gendo furrowed his brow. "I'll have an answer from you then."

Shinji nodded and tried not to laugh. The furrowed brow always made Shinji giggle like a horny little school girl. He skipped down the corridors of the GeoFront and sang old Beetles songs. 

Whoops....Ahem....

Shinji nodded and left the office. He walked around the massive building aimless, awaiting Gendo's answer.

It came, but not as Shinji expected it. He was pondering why his father would even begin to consider doing this, when he pondered himself right into Mokota. He looked up from the floor at the bridge bunny. Makoto simply handed him a folded piece of paper. Shinji snagged the note and scampered away.

"This must be Father's answer. Let's have a look see." Shinji unfolded the complex folds and finally, reached the actual writing. 'Dear Shinji.' /Whoa...he used my first name...// 'I have known you for quite some time, yet we were never too close.' //This is great!// 'So I have decided to go along on your date idea, on one condition.' //Condition? Figures//

Makoto sighed with relief. The gun that was being pointed at his head had been removed. He wouldn't have minded delivering the note if it had been an order, but that freaky child was very pushy, with the help of the gun, of course...

'I want you to kiss me.' Shinji recoiled in horror. Had that note actually said that? No...he must've imagined it. 'I want you to kiss me.' //AAAAAAA!! There it is again!// He continued, frightened. 'With that in mind you should also know that I love you very much....' //Well, that isn't too bad.// 'and wouldn't mind taking you into my bed.' Shinji threw the note down and puked all over it.

"Doctor."

"Commander."

Gendo took the time to push his glasses up and walked around his huge yacht-desk to stand in front of Ritsuko. She looked him straight in the eyes. They stared.

Asuka was tired of the mechanics. She resolved that they were just trying to get her to buy a Mercedes. So she killed them. She'd killed the first and second set when they tried to install a V8 engine in place of the umbilical cable. "Dompkoffs..." So she powered up 02 and stepped on them. Well, she stepped on the first one, the second jumped into a crater blown in the Eva cage floor, when she'd toasted the second set of fakes.

"Come outta there!!" She growled.

"No!" The mechanic said.

"I'll give you a cookie...." She taunted.

"No- A cookie? What kind?" The mechanic pooped his head up,

"Chocolate chip." Asuka grabbed a nearby giant mallet and took a swing. The mechanic neatly ducked.

"No, oatmeal." He raised his head again.

"Who eats oatmeal?" She took another swing

" I do." He ducked again.

Asuka was decided she was done talking. And when she was done talking, people die. "Take this!!!" She opened fire with her machine gun, blowing hundreds of holes in the floor. The mechanic popped his head out of one, hole then ducked as Asuka took a swing, and appeared in a different hole. The entire scene went like this.

WHACK!

Pop.

Duck.

WHACK!

Pop.

Duck.

WHACK!

Pop.

Duck.

WHACK!

Pop. 

Duck.

By now the author was getting tired of typing pop-duck-whack over and over so he cut the scene to Gendo's office.

They stared. Then they stared some more. They stared a bit longer after that. And then when they where done, they stared a bit longer. Then the author gave the back of Gendo's head a good SMACK! causing him to blink.

"Damn."

"What did you need, Commander?" Ritsuko looked proud that she finally beat him. Gendo looked threatingly at the author. Then he continued. "Find the Third Child and tell him the answer is yes." Dr. Akagi shrugged and began to walk out....

Author: Hmmm cut seen back to Asuka...

"There, you're dead, if you didn't notice." She set down the mallet covered in mechanic goo and wiped 02 forehead. "After a long day at work I drink LCLorade." She held up the bottle for all to see.

Ritsuko was on her way to deliver the message, with a teensy tiny make-out fest with Gendo.... before she came upon Maya, who looked rather worried. "Yes, Maya?"

"Um.....Casper kinda......uh.." She began.

Ritsuko had a sinking feeling. "Did what?"

"Uh...Um...it...uh..."

"Just spit it out!" She yelled at the younger woman.

"It froze while I was playing Pac-man!!" Maya yelled.

//This is just great. Now I'll need to spend the entire afternoon working with Maya to fix it. Well, that isn't _too _bad//

Ikari stared at Ikari. The younger one seemed dehydrated due to water loss, he was sweating so bad. Rei sat on the picnic cloth laid on the ground and stared at both of them. "So who wants hotdogs?" She asked, making Shinji loose his nerve and topple forward. Gendo looked pleased. //Finally. A staring contest I can win!// he smiled.

"What's so funny, Commander?" Rei asked.

Gendo looked at the girl. He knew she should be...disposed of...but he couldn't bring himself to do it. The girl was so goshdarn cute.

"Nothing. I was merely contemplating the defeat of the last Angel." With that he _did_ contemplate the defeat, and he smiled again. //Ahh, nothing better than making someone kill the one they love....//

Shinji thought his father looked rather silly sitting cross legged on the ground with his hands still laced together in front of his face. And the fact that he had about thirty guards and Eva-02 standing guard didn't help either.

Shinji remembered the list of rules that Gendo had given him. He remembered it like it was about three hours ago....

"Come in, Third Child." He had said.

"Oh, yes Father! Can we build a pine wood derby car and play ball?" Shinji had said.

"Hmmm. Okay." Then Gendo had come back to reality and listed the requirements for the 'date'.

Gendo opened the drawer next to the one with the end of the world button in it and took out a long scroll of parchment.

"Ahem. You will Not.

A) Bring any sort of weaponry to the 'date'

B) Make any poisonous food for me to intake.

C) Charge me with a mace.

D) Let ants consume my body.

E) Have any fun, whatsoever

F) Allow cats to eat of my pinkies.

G)Run ramped with a hot chocolate beverage.

H) Throw scissors at my trachea.

I) Use a bottle nosed dolphin as a bat to strike me.

J) Say 'Booga Booga oompy doompy doo da' to me or anyone else, for that matter.

K) Spill potato salad on my new uniform.

L) Kick me in the shins.

M) Bring Eva-01 along.

N) Try to sexually assault Rei.

O) Try to touch Rei.

P) Look at Rei.

Q) Think of touching Rei.

R) Think of looking at Rei.

S) Think of sexually assaulting Rei.

T) Recite any 'Red Neck' jokes.

U) Raise your hand and yell 'Teacher! Teacher!'

V) Dislodge you elbow joint and proceed to play the banjo backwards.

W) Play the banjo at all.

X) Bring a microwave with you.

Y) Attach cables to your back and 'fly like an eagle'

Z) Pick your nose in front of either me, or Rei.

Shinji sighed. He was sitting perfectly still doing nothing.

"Hey! Didn't I make it clear that I added the 'no sighing rule?"

But Gendo had take the liberty to create a 'Can do' list. It went like this.

A) You can breathe.

"Um, Shinji, aren't you going to do what that little note asked?" Rei said in a cutesy voice.

//How did she find the note? Why does she want me to kiss that old...person? Oh, well Here goes.....gulp//

Shinji leaned towards his father, despite leaning being on the 'Amended Rules Version 6.0-Can not Do' He started to sweat again, when about thirty guards aimed their guns at the attacker. Shinji leaned more.

"He's an assassin!" Gendo yelled and drew his 'Butter Knife of Doom' he shoved it up towards Shinji's throat, but Shinji's lips connecting square on Gendo's made him drop the weapon. Shinji gave his father a big 'ol sloppy French one. 

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" Yelled about thirty guards and Asuka. Gendo looked horrified as did Shinji. Rei was outright laughing.

Continued........

*Authors note. Well there it is, the amazingly doped-up part four. It's just gooey. This is what happens when you spend an average of twelve hours a day watching Eva..........


	5. Gendo Ikari, Macho Man

Gendo Ikari, Macho man

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!" Everyone yelled. Gendo stumbled backwards and shielded his mouth from his all-to-eager son.

"You! You! Weirdo!!" He screamed and backed up more. Shinji's spine wasn't having anything to do with this.

"Hey! You old pervert! Your note told me to!" Gary Coleman Spine fumed at the retreating old guy. Shinji was busy hacking and spitting all the saliva in his mouth out, so he didn't argue much.

"That's it, Shinji's going on a kissing spree! He's going to kiss everyone in Nerv! He's already kissed me!" The words left Asuka's mouth before she knew what she'd said. Everyone, including the people on the bridge who where taping this (for security reasons), had heard her. "Shit....."

Rei laughed and chuckled and giggled and snickered and cackled and rolled on the ground hooting about the misunderstanding. "Hey...*snicker*....Shin...*chuckle*...Shinji! I.....*snort* Sent the note!" She managed to get out between her laughing fits. "I...I guess....you....heh, heh, thought Gendo gave it to...y-you!" She guffawed.

Shinji quit puking for a second and looked at Rei, who was trying not to wet herself from laughter. 

Misato was on the ground in minutes to the scene of the 'crime'. Shinji and Rei were sitting under a tree amongst the circling jets and helicopters and various ground support vehicles. Gendo was immediately airlifted out by Ritsuko for some 'intensive care'. 

"You never did fulfill my request, Shinji-kun." Rei said, almost casually.

Shinji looked a bit worried for a second before Gary Coleman disguised as John Travolta took over.

"Look, babe. I'm all yours." Shinji found himself closing his eyes and putting his arms around Rei, without ever really wanting to. Before the Gary/Travolta Spine could French the poor clone chick, Rei leaned in and gave Shinji a quick peck on the cheek. Then she disappeared into the forest, waving her pixie wand and chanting about Link and Hyrule...oops, wrong fic. Then she hopped a chopper and flew into the sky.

"Shinji! You alright?" Misato yelled over the paramedics airlifting guards who had fainted from the sheer shock of....this.

"Um...I guess. I just wish she had signed it, the note." Shinji wiped at his mouth again.

Back in the great office of Gendo, the commander was plotting. He put on some wooden clogs and plodded around...No! I said _plotting_ not _plodding_. Geeze, get it right. After quick fourteen bottles of scotch, Gendo rummaged around in a big foot locker and pulled out some garments and accessories. One looked suspiciously like a firearm......

"Got any threes?" Aoba asked.

Maya looked. "Nope. Go fish." Aoba shook his head as he pulled out a card.

"Got any threes?" Maya asked. Aoba looked puzzled for a second, but then remembered they were playing 'Go Fish' on Nerv's remaining two super computers. Casper was incapacitated with a big yellow face and mouth eating a ghost permanently glued on the screen. And the new they ordered from QVC wasn't here yet.

"Got any twos-" Aoba was cut off by Commander Ikari busting onto the bridge with a Mossberg folding stock combat shotgun and was dressed in a construction worker's outfit. The words Y-M-C-A were being repeated over and over for some reason.

"Ay!" He said, non to sober. " I mean ta have a word wit yas." Makoto walked in, after getting some coffee and a new manga. He stopped when his cup of coffee was blown through by dozens of rounds of buckshot.

"Damn....This cup was supposed to be lifetime guaranteed." He dropped the ruined mug and offered Gendo his manga.

"I ain't gonna read no GIRLIE! comic, BOY! I'm a man! I like girls!" And with that he went over to the only woman on the bridge and gave her a quick smooch. Maya pulled her service pistol and shot him-

"Hey! the bridge bunnies down carry side arms." Said a mysterious voice that sounded like Gary Coleman....

Author: Oh, right....Hmmmm, fix that real quick.

Maya pulled out her service bunny and dropped it down the front of Gendo's shirt, sending the Commander swaying and stumbling around the deck. He threw his hands up and yelled, "Great Google Moogle!" This would later be known as the Ikari Shuffle, but now it was just plain humorous.

Misato paced in front of the three pilots, outfitted in their plug suits. She had received word from Sub-Commander Fuyuski that the bridge was being held hostage.

"We have a hostage situation. Since I'm a drunk, Kaji's dead, the sub-commander is an old fart and we don't know where the commander is, we're sending you three in."

Asuka raised her hand. "Only if Shinji doesn't kiss me." She growled at Shinji.

"I doubt he would, seeing as you are consistently abusive to him." Rei said flatly. She resisted the urge to lace her hands in front of her face. Asuka still hadn't gotten used to Rei's newest personas, Gendo and Shinji. She had been around them the most lately and she was, at times, obnoxious and cruel, and other times meek and apologetic.

"Um....how are we going to do this?" Shinji asked. He somehow doubted that an Eva could do even get inside the bridge.

"I'm working on it!" Misato said. "You'll use the air ducts...again. Just carry these," She tossed them all wussy little .38s. "Use 'em to kill whoever the hostager...uh...the hostage taker...um. The bad guy." Misato said.

Shinji dropped his gun as it was thrown at him. It went off and a bullet whizzed by his head. Shinji then covered his crotch area and looked extremely relieved that the shot missed. Asuka caught hers, but looked at it like it was poo. Rei caught hers, but then in a moment of Shinjism, dropped it exactly as Shinji had. A second shot scorched by Shinji's pride and joy, sending him ducking to the floor.

"Sorry...." She said. Asuka sighed and muttered something in German. Shinji was surprised, she portrayed him fairly well.

Misato waved and retreated back into her office. Shinji thought that Misato should, at least, give them a better briefing. He knocked on the door. "Misato...uh. Who is the bad guy?" He heard the door lock. "Hey! Come out of there!" Misato was interrupted from her Yebisu by a whinny voice that sounded suspiciously like Gary Coleman.

"Go away!" She yelled. Shinji was tempted to kick down the door, but he still had a little bit of common sense. So he decided to go mess with Asuka. Common sense meter dropping.......

"We should go." Rei said nervously eyeing the office with the drunken major inside. 

Asuka was about to say something like 'Come on!' or 'let's do this!' or 'Shinji's an idiot!' but Rei beat her to the punch. After she was done punching Shinji, Rei said, "Come on you idiot Shinji! Let's do this!"

To Shinji it seemed like all the previous personalities were showing through. But he let it go on the account of he wanted Rei to let go of his throat. They climbed into the air ducts and crawled, single file on their knees a few meters.

"Shinji! quit looking at my ass!" Asuka yelled. Shinji couldn't help it, it _was _right there in front of him. He felt a familiar tingling in his back.

"Well, it's so fine, I just couldn't resist." Gary said smugly. Asuka stopped suddenly, as did Shinji. Rei, who was busy thinking of how she should take control of the bridge once this amateur was done with, didn't notice and slammed right into the very, _very_ surprised Shinji's butt.

"Mffa mffa Shji! Yr ass inma fce!!" Rei's muffled voice came from Shinji's rear. Shinji kinda smiled, then he noticed Asuka was staring at him, her finger tightening on her .38. He crawled forward some more, giving Rei some much deserved air.

"Break it down!" Aoba broke into a guitar solo, letting the P.A. system work as an amp. Makoto and Maya sat on the side watching Gendo get up and start the Macarena with Ritsuko. Maya tucked a dollar into Gendo's pants. They had the two super computers rig up some disco lights and with the help of a copy of 'Disco rooms and you' had made a colored checker board out of a Twister mat and some jelly beans.

Rei dropped to the floor, along with Asuka. Shinji was already of the ground when the two girls landed on him. Asuka ignored the muffled cries for help below her and looked to find out where they were. "Looks like the janitor's closet." She said.

"Hmmm, if the janitorial closet, then the bridge should be to the left, twenty paces." Rei said, rubbing her chin and thinking. "Um....so we should go back into the vent and look for the bridge." She said, awaiting someone to call her an idiot.

"Hey, I was going to say that." Shinji said. He looked in a bucket marked 'Dr. Akagi's stuff'. Shinji looked in it and yelled. "Gross!" Asuka pushed him out of the way. She took a look herself and blushed.

"That was......odd." She said. Rei raised an eyebrow and looked in the bucket herself. She picked up one of the contents. It was long and rounded and made Rei extremely uncomfortable. "Hmm. Must be Ritsuko's teaching aids. The closet door opened and Maya looked at the three surprised children.

"Lieutenant Ibuki! Did I give you permission to leave the bridge?" Rei said from the darkness, doing her best 'Gendo' impression. Maya stared hard into the darkness.

"Um.....Yes? I just needed to get sempai's 'aids' and some Mr. Pibb." She held out a can of the primordial carbonated beverage. "And weren't you and Aoba playing Metallica?" 

Rei Shrugged and handed Maya the bucket of 'stuff' and said, "Well, Lieutenant. I just needed to be alone for a second." Asuka sniggered and elbowed Shinji in the stomach. Shinji yelped. " Owwww! That hurt!"

Maya blinked. "Oh, sorry, Commander. I didn't know your son was in here too." She quickly shut the door and left.

"Well, that can only mean one thing." Rei aid, still in Gendo mode "That whoever is holding the bridge hostage likes Metallica?" She answered herself. "No! You dompkoff! That whoever is holding the bridge hostage is allowing them to leave!" She insulted herself.

"Uh...Rei? You can stop now..." Shinji stopped when Rei turned around, wearing some tinted glasses she had found. "You! Pilot. Do as you're ordered." To Asuka she said, "Increase the LCL pressure, knock him out."

Asuka was finding Rei more and more annoying, even if she did a good job of insulting herself, she was still getting on Asuka's nerves.

Makoto strung some jalapeno lights from the ceiling. He always got stuck doing everything while everyone else partied. " Why am I stuck doing all the work while everyone parties?" Then Maya returned with Ritsuko's 'aids' and the two of them scuttled away to the darkest corner of the room, which was exactly where Makoto was stringing lights.

"Shinji, where are we?" Asuka asked. Shinji didn't know so he shrugged and continued crawling.

Rei needed an answer, however. It was vital to the success of the mission. "Pilot! Status report!" She commanded, and ran into the wall. It was hard to see with her tinted glasses. Asuka turned to face her and laughed. The wall gave way and Rei tumbled into a long vertical shaft. Before falling she grabbed hold of the closest thing to her, which was Asuka's brea-.....Asuka.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!" She yelled as she was pulled downward. In a desperate move she pulled a Rei and grabbed the nearest thing to her. Which was Shinji's pe-.......Shinji. Before he knew it something was a hold of him, and Shinji flailed around as he fell downward with the two girls.

"Hey! Commander-mander!" Yelled Aoba, who was finding that the Magi had internet access. "C'mere an' look at this!" Gendo stumbled over and looked at the image on the screen. His head turned bright red and started spinning around....whoops...that's not right. Gendo looked at the image on the screen. "Print it out." He said. So the Magi printed out a billboard sized picture of Minmay wearing little to nothing. No, make that nothing at all.(The author smiles naughtily) Gendo picked it up and hung it from the bridge.

An air duct exploded open and three forms landed with a plop on the ground at Gendo's feet. Gendo looked over the dirt incrusted children and offered them some Samuel Adams.

"Drop and surrender your weapons!!" Rei shouted as her Asuka mode took over. Suddenly Shinji's spine tapped into some testosterone and Shinji waved his gun around too. Asuka was flat out unconscious, so she stayed relatively quiet, with the possible exception of the incoherent mumblings.....

From the dark corner came some ungodly moaning. Then the words 'Sempai' repeated over and over. Shinji's spine took in some more hormones and Shinji's face sprouted with a full beard. Then his voice deepened an raised as he tried to say " What's going on over there?". Makoto turned on the jalapeno lights to show Maya against the wall, with Ritsuko in front of her.

"Ritsuko-chan?" Asked Gendo. Ritsuko looked innocently at everyone. "What're you doing?"

Maya realized for the first time that everyone was watching them. "Um....we where..." Ritsuko spoke up. "I was showing her some self-defense moves, in case someone tries to.......fondle her." Maya giggled at the word fondle. Everyone was so caught up in Ritsuko's lesson that they almost missed Rei going insane.

"You people are perverts!" She yelled Asuka style. "When Captain Katsuragi hears about this, you guys ar in trouble." Then she looked at Shinji. "Sempai, what should we do?" Shinji shrugged and tried to repress his spine's idea of what to do. Rei glared at Gendo. "You, Commander, you should set an example for the people you outrank." She picked up her gun and fired a few shots into the air. "Alright everyone, break it up! I'll need to have a word with these two." Then she looked over to a computer terminal. "The Angel! it's here!" "What do the Magi say?" "Pilot! What are you doing standing around? You were given orders to shoot the enemy!" "I-I'm...sorry..." 

Rei's head began to spin around (for real this time) and smoke began pouring out of her collar. Shinji looked on kinda afraid through his thick beard and watched as Rei's head exploded. When the dust cleared a small, poodle sized pink thing stood where Rei once was. "It's an Angel! It's here!" Aoba shouted. the Angel puffed up and began to grunt, an A.T. field spreading.

"Uh...I think it's going to kill us." Shinji guessed. He wanted to care about dying, but the recent addition of testosterone was making him think of all the women currently on the bridge. He noted that Maya and Ritsuko were _not_ working on self-defense methods. //Big surprise there.//

The Angel puffed up a bit more, as if it were about to explode. Then with a rush of escaping gases, took a huge crap right on the deck. Then it keeled over and died. "Uh.....which Angel was that?" Ritsuko asked, zipping up her shirt.

"Let's see.....according to Harry Potter's guide to magical creature and Angels....this is Flagellants, the Angel of bad gas." Makoto said, holding up a book.

The door opened and Kozo entered, Rei at his side. "What's going on here? Why is the Commander in that ridiculous outfit?" He demanded. Everyone just stared. "It's a long story." Shinji said, although he was sure the sub-commander was there for at least half of it.

"Where were you? Asked Ritsuko.

Rei answered. "We went bowling." That seemed like a good enough answer because everyone went "Ohhhhhhhh" and nodded knowingly.

"So what now?" Asked Misato. She had appeared right behind Shinji, near the cocktail bar, sometime before hand. No one was really sure. This day had been so messed up that no one really wanted to sober up and remember it. So by mutual telepathy, they agreed to string Asuka up and use her as a piñata. They laughter and German swearing continued far into the magical hours known as 'wee' and by morning everyone was too wasted to come to work.


End file.
